meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
two words...techno handjob
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
