I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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