I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
