I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Life is so much better after having sex.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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