Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
