seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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