Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
two words: eviction party
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
