Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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