Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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