just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
