I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
