the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
