I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
