just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
