i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
