An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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