Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
