I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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