Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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