Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
