I CAN MOONWALK!
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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