That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
