it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
