Just cropdusted the office
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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