so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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