like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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