She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
