Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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