I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
