Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
