I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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