Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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