Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I want to fling myself into the sun
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
