the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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