i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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