my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
