you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
