So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
