apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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