So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
