You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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