His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
