so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
