Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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