so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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