Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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