I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
