Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
