I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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