I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
