i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
