My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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